Dear Dude,
I have been playing in a Speed/Death Metal band that is signed and tours nationally. Recently one of our members has been taking the back stage partying to a level that seems unhealthy. Now I know that partying and rocking go hand in hand but it just feels wrong. So I guess my question is, what is the best way to know your fellow band member has a problem? What are the warning sings? You know being in a band is hard because not only are you always around drugs, alcohol, and partying but you’re also expected to live the role. And following that question what is the most democratic way to confront a member with such a problem?
Thanks,
The Party Police
Dear Party Police,
Alcoholism, drug use, shit, the list of vices that threaten musicians are endless and go hand in hand with what some people believe is the role of or rock star. Living this false identity is a fast track to self destruction. I have seen some really stupid band and personal decisions made by musicians who are struggling and suffering with substance abuse problems. In my day I have done everything from drive a fellow musicians to the hospital so dehydrated they can’t stand to even at one point calling a dude’s mom! But to get you some real perspective I contacted a good old friend of mine who has lived that nightmare himself.
Infamous as much for their touring antics as their crazy-ass live show, anyone who knows anything about the evolution of Punk/Hardcore/Metal in the mid to late 90’s has at least heard of Burlington Vermont’s, Drowningman. And no one can speak better on this issue than lead singer Simon Brody. Simon took some time to write about his perspective as shaped by a dude who has, well to put it simply, been through it all!
Simon writes:
“Living the role? Hmmm. I’m assuming that your band-mate might not be in the financial position to afford blood transfusions from 12 year old Filipino boys ala Keith Richards nor is in a situation where he can send his personal man-servant to pump gas for him at the local Exxon station between tours.
A lot of people in bands start living like a “rock star” a little prematurely. It sounds to me like what you might be talking about is having an impact on his life outside the band. This is the point where I tell you very clearly that thinking in terms of what is or is not “democratic” is not the way to go about this. You have to approach this person with concern for him as a dude. If it’s fucking with his ability to function, you or whoever is closest to him need to sit him down and express your concern for him as a friend and not make him feel like he is under attack.
If you are just concerned with him because he is your band mate and how he is playing and how it reflects on your band you’d probably be better off playing with someone else. Mike has said more than a few times on this site a band should be approached like a family.
People that make the best music or art are often hurting dudes inside. When my band broke up, I was unable to see how fucked up my behavior had gotten and all I was hearing was about how the business side of things were getting fucked up. What I really needed to hear was that the guys in my band were worried about me and cared about me as a person but by then I had made myself pretty difficult to have a rational conversation with.
I’m just saying how it was for me hoping that someone doesn’t have to make the same mistakes. I’m pretty proud of what I did when I was making music. I was a pretty angry person and the music Drowningman made showed that pretty clearly. It just got to the point where I was getting too drunk and high to play, because I was happy or because I was sad and sometimes just because I couldn’t think of anything better to do. Eventually that anger and energy got replaced by numbness most nights. I forgot who I was and I paid for it.
Showing your dude you care about him is the first step. Help him out, talk to him, maybe he needs more help than you can give him in which case you might need to see that he gets more serious help but do it with compassion and kindness.”
Simon’s advice comes from the heart and should be headed. Oftentimes dealing with band members or fellow musicians who have drug or alcohol abuse problems can be an uphill battle. You have to dismiss your fear of confronting said band member. Its not gong to be easy, they are probably going to react negatively at first and its going to take a bit of compassion, kindness, understanding, and whole shit load of patience. Don’t let your love for the band, or drive to make your band successful, cloud your ability to see if your band members need help.
Here is a brief list of symptoms you might observe if your dude has a problem. Keep in mind this is not a definitive list, alcoholism and drug use is a complex problem. This list of symptoms is also a good way to check yourself. Ask yourself? Do you have any of these tendencies? If so, do you have the ability to self regulate and change these patters?
Signs and Symptoms of potential drug or drinking problems:
- Continuing to drink even though you have health problems that are affected or caused by your drinking.
- Band member is caught driving while under the influence (DUI), or engaging in similar risky behavior without being caught.
- Missing band practice or shows, or showing up late due to alcohol or drug use.
- Feeling annoyed when other people comment on, or criticize your drinking habits.
- Continuously scheduling your day around drinking or drug use.
- Band member exhibits strong and overwhelming desire to drink alcohol at a specific time or even the next morning.
- Creating a ritual of having drinks before, with, or after playing and becoming annoyed when this pattern is disturbed or questioned.
- A tendency to drink more than intended to feel the same effect, or being unable to stop drinking once you start to drink alcohol.
- Consuming a large quantity of alcohol without appearing intoxicated.
- Not remembering conversations or commitments; sometimes referred to as a “blackout.”
- Losing interest in activities and hobbies that were once pleasurable.
- Focusing all recreational activities around obtaining alcohol, drinking or recovering from alcohol use.
- Drinking alone or in secret.
The following questions taken from www.helpguide.org are a good way to help give you perspective on this. I have reprinted the info here but feel free to check out the site. Other really good resources are the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism or the National Institute on Drug Abuse.
Would you or your fellow band member answer yes to one ore more of the following questions in the past 12 months?
- Have you, more than once, driven a vehicle while you were drinking, or after having had too much to drink?
- Have you gotten into situations while drinking, or after drinking, that increased your chances of getting hurt—like swimming, using machinery, walking in a dangerous area, or near heavy traffic?
- Have you continued to drink even though you knew it was causing you trouble with your family or friends?
- Have you gotten into physical fights while drinking, or right after drinking?
- Have you gotten arrested, been held at a police station, or had any other legal problems because of your drinking?
Would you answer yes to three or more of the following questions during the past 12 months?
- Have you had times when you ended up drinking more than you meant to, or kept on drinking for longer than you intended?
- Have you, more than once, wanted to, or tried to stop or cut down on your drinking but found you couldn’t?
- Have you found that you have to drink much more than you once did to get the effect you want, or that your usual number of drinks has much less effect on you than it once did?
- When the effects of alcohol are wearing off, have you had trouble sleeping, or experienced physical symptoms such as shaking, feeling nervous, nauseous, restless, sweating or rapid heartbeat? Have you sensed things that aren’t really there, felt bugs crawling on your skin, or had seizures?
- Have you taken a drink or used any drug or medicine (other than over-the-counter pain relievers) to avoid having bad after-effects of drinking, or to get over an after-effect of alcohol use, or hangover?
- Have you continued to drink even though you knew it was making you feel depressed or anxious, causing a health problem or making one worse, or has caused a blackout?
- Have you had a period when you spent a lot of time drinking, being sick, or getting over the negative after-effects of drinking?
- In order to drink, have you given up, or cut down on activities that were important to you, interesting or pleasurable?
Look, sometimes you maybe forced to cancel shows or even tours dealing with problems like this. It’s just important to keep things in perspective. Getting your band popular, selling records, pushing those CD’s, trying to build that band to get on the tours you want, trying to pull yourself and band out of debt, trying to fuck that super model, etc. All these goals are never more important then the health and the well being of your fellow band members. Don’t get so caught up in the game that you live with blinders on. Musicians are people first and entertainers second. Record labels, booking agents, managers, promoters, and even fans all have things they depend on or demand from bands and their members. The only people that have the perspective to be able to understand us fellow musicians are, other musicians. So it’s up to all of us as brothers and sisters of life on the road to look after each other and keep our friends in check.
The Dude